*Music I'm listening to..*
The sweet, dark, wonderful smell of a chocolate birthday cake is hanging in the air as I write this.
Today is the one year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I decided that I would be making a birthday cake today, because this day is very much a birth day to me. Not just in the sense that a baby left my womb and came into this world, but also that this day changed me in a very profound way...
One year ago I experienced something that has made me grow. My capacity for grief and sadness grew, but also my capacity to love and empathize, and just feel things. I admit I did not understand how or exactly why women mourned their miscarriages so deeply before, but Now I Know.
Now I understand.
So, like many trials do, this one brought about a type of renewal and re-birth of me as a person. And I am grateful for that.
The days leading up to this day have been hard...
But this morning when I woke up, I decided that instead of starting my day as usual- praying/begging God to help me survive the challenges of the day while being patient and calm- I am choosing JOY. So often I get sucked into the inward, downward spiral of depression and discouragement. It's hard to come out of. And sometimes even though I know what I need to do, I can't physically make it happen.
But today, I feel God giving me the strength to come back out of the darkness and I choose the upward, outward spiral of Joy and Gratitude.
I googled Bible verses on joy, and then on encouragement. I asked God to help me be joyful and to lift me up. I turned on a Happy Uplifting playlist on YouTube. I am smiling as much as possible. And my heart feels better.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
I still feel sad when I wonder what could have been....a kind of wistful longing that makes me sigh. But I am not consumed by my grief. Some people talk about loss with words like "gone before their time." But while I know what they mean, I also know that no one leaves this world "before their time." God has numbered our days, and that includes even tiny babies who never see the light of day. And the babies I lost were not nothing. They had a purpose. And when I see how much they affected me, how much they changed me...I know that they fulfilled their purpose. And then they were done; they could go Home. Amazing, isn't it? Moves me to tears whenever I think about it. When we let God's Plans and Purposes unfold in our lives, we can see that it is not all bad, even when it feels like it. We can have joy in our pain, we can have hope in discouragement.
But it is hard, so very hard sometimes. Like I mentioned, the days leading up to this day have been hard. There are lots of reasons, not just because of today. I have cried many tears. I have been going through a lot of changes lately. "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” (Lamentations 3:21-24)
So, today, even though I am discouraged that I am not farther along my path of healing physically, I choose Joy. I choose Happiness, by the grace of God. He is renewing me, strengthening me. He has never let me down; He is always faithful. I don't always understand His purposes and sometimes I take my eyes off Him, and I start to sink, but He is always there, reaching out His hand to lift me up again.
Today, I honor the tiny life that changed me so much. I am grateful to have held my baby inside me, and to have seen the tiny body, no bigger than my thumb nail, that was being formed; a rare glimpse of a beautiful and mysterious process. Yes, dear little baby, you changed me forever. And I am grateful. And I am grateful to be able to tell my story; to God be the Glory.
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."(Romans 15:13)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls." (1Peter
1:3-9)
The sweet, dark, wonderful smell of a chocolate birthday cake is hanging in the air as I write this.
Today is the one year anniversary of my first miscarriage. I decided that I would be making a birthday cake today, because this day is very much a birth day to me. Not just in the sense that a baby left my womb and came into this world, but also that this day changed me in a very profound way...
One year ago I experienced something that has made me grow. My capacity for grief and sadness grew, but also my capacity to love and empathize, and just feel things. I admit I did not understand how or exactly why women mourned their miscarriages so deeply before, but Now I Know.
Now I understand.
So, like many trials do, this one brought about a type of renewal and re-birth of me as a person. And I am grateful for that.
The days leading up to this day have been hard...
But this morning when I woke up, I decided that instead of starting my day as usual- praying/begging God to help me survive the challenges of the day while being patient and calm- I am choosing JOY. So often I get sucked into the inward, downward spiral of depression and discouragement. It's hard to come out of. And sometimes even though I know what I need to do, I can't physically make it happen.
But today, I feel God giving me the strength to come back out of the darkness and I choose the upward, outward spiral of Joy and Gratitude.
I googled Bible verses on joy, and then on encouragement. I asked God to help me be joyful and to lift me up. I turned on a Happy Uplifting playlist on YouTube. I am smiling as much as possible. And my heart feels better.
"He has made everything beautiful in its time." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
I still feel sad when I wonder what could have been....a kind of wistful longing that makes me sigh. But I am not consumed by my grief. Some people talk about loss with words like "gone before their time." But while I know what they mean, I also know that no one leaves this world "before their time." God has numbered our days, and that includes even tiny babies who never see the light of day. And the babies I lost were not nothing. They had a purpose. And when I see how much they affected me, how much they changed me...I know that they fulfilled their purpose. And then they were done; they could go Home. Amazing, isn't it? Moves me to tears whenever I think about it. When we let God's Plans and Purposes unfold in our lives, we can see that it is not all bad, even when it feels like it. We can have joy in our pain, we can have hope in discouragement.
But it is hard, so very hard sometimes. Like I mentioned, the days leading up to this day have been hard. There are lots of reasons, not just because of today. I have cried many tears. I have been going through a lot of changes lately. "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” (Lamentations 3:21-24)
So, today, even though I am discouraged that I am not farther along my path of healing physically, I choose Joy. I choose Happiness, by the grace of God. He is renewing me, strengthening me. He has never let me down; He is always faithful. I don't always understand His purposes and sometimes I take my eyes off Him, and I start to sink, but He is always there, reaching out His hand to lift me up again.
Today, I honor the tiny life that changed me so much. I am grateful to have held my baby inside me, and to have seen the tiny body, no bigger than my thumb nail, that was being formed; a rare glimpse of a beautiful and mysterious process. Yes, dear little baby, you changed me forever. And I am grateful. And I am grateful to be able to tell my story; to God be the Glory.
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."(Romans 15:13)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls." (1Peter
1:3-9)
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