I am often asked "So, how are you doing?" by family and friends. I appreciate their interest and concern. But this question is actually one I somewhat dread....because I never know how to answer it.
Healing is a journey....a process. There are up and downs, daily and "big picture" too.
I never know where the line is, how to answer honestly but without going into every little detail.
Overall, as I look back to where I was three years ago, I have definitely made huge progress. I have adapted to my new diet and lifestyle. I no longer feel many of my symptoms, I am no longer at a complete loss as to what to eat on a daily basis to facilitate healing, no longer is my body starving and attacking itself.
But, when I look back to a year ago, I feel much differently about my progress...
One year ago, I was really feeling the best I have felt in a very long time, including before my illness began. I had done so many things to heal my body, and grown so much in my faith and trust in God, and was just overall in a really good place. Chiropractor, acupuncture,counseling, massage, many supplements, doctor appointments, and prayers, by the grace of God, worked to my healing and it was amazing. We were so relieved and happy.
And then the leap of faith; opening ourselves up to the possibility of more children.
Two miscarriages in six months came next. My thyroid flared up with the first and then corrected itself after the second.
When your thyroid doesn't do what its supposed to do, it affects your whole body. It's really, really unpleasant, to say the least. People who have never experienced this do not understand. (No, you really don't.) I didn't understand before either.
When my thyroid and food intolerances first started, combined with calorie-burning breastfeeding, I lost a lot of weight. At first, I was glad. But then, suddenly, without trying, I lost 10 pounds in a month, and I knew something was not right. I lost basically all my body fat. My body was starving itself, due to all the food I was eating but not digesting properly and my hyperactive thyroid burning through everything it could.
But do you know what happened? People would actually come up to me and say "Wow, you look great! I wish I had what you have!"
"I wish I had what you have."
What could I do but laugh and say "yeah..."...?
I cannot tell you how completely horrible, how angry, how alone it made me feel when people would say that. "My body is starving itself!!" I wanted to scream. "I could be dying, and you're telling me that you wish I had what I have?!" I will never understand.... And it also bothered me because I have never received more compliments about my body than when I was so sick and skinny. "Is this really what looks good to people now?" I would wonder. "Our society is so messed up, our idea of beauty so skewed, that I look my best when I am literally starving?"
It hurt. It really made me feel like everyone was just jealous of me, and its hard to imagine people feeling compassion for you when they are jealous of you.
But getting back to my original thought, when people ask me now how I'm doing, all of this comes to mind.... The pain and the tears, the depression, the loss; the improvements and answers, the healing and many, many answered prayers.
I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for the means of healing God put into our reach. I am grateful for my amazing body, with a new appreciation for the intricate designs God put in place.
But how do I answer the question? People aren't asking for my life story I know, but it's hard for me to just find a simple answer. I guess "It's complicated," would be the simplest, most honest answer.
I struggle every day. I have many losses and small victories on a daily basis.
Sometimes, when people hear about my diet, they say "Oh, I could never do that!" Inside, I smile and think, "yes, you could if you had to."
When you're twenty-something with a husband and two young children and you are faced with the prospect of feeling the way I was feeling (or worse) for the rest of your life, you would be surprised what you are willing to do to get well.
I was so grateful for my naturopathic doctors and the, really very simple, idea that food can heal.
I am so thankful I listened to my gut and did not take the advice of the first doctor I went to; a medical doctor who only suggested that I take heartburn medication. (The idea is almost laughable to me, except that it was real, and there are probably others who did take his advice who are not getting better.)
I am so blessed to have a husband who was open to a lot of things he maybe wouldn't have been before, things maybe others would laugh at or never believe would be helpful.
So humbled and grateful that God cared enough about me to bring me through this extremely trying but very growing experience. Moves me to tears whenever I think about it. He didn't leave me the way I was, the way that for so long I thought was better....really it was just easier and familiar. Comfortable, but not really compassionate. Like floating on the surface, unware of the depths below.
"I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." (John 10:10)
My life is full....so much to do, so many emotions.... Lots of hard days, but abundant blessings.
"The Lord has done great things for us, and we are glad." (Psalm 126:3)
So, if you ask me how I am doing, I apologize now for the hesitation and jumbled words and shrugs and awkwardness.
"I don't know. It's complicated. But it is better. But I might be having a bad day. But it will be ok."
And, thank you for asking.
Healing is a journey....a process. There are up and downs, daily and "big picture" too.
I never know where the line is, how to answer honestly but without going into every little detail.
Overall, as I look back to where I was three years ago, I have definitely made huge progress. I have adapted to my new diet and lifestyle. I no longer feel many of my symptoms, I am no longer at a complete loss as to what to eat on a daily basis to facilitate healing, no longer is my body starving and attacking itself.
But, when I look back to a year ago, I feel much differently about my progress...
One year ago, I was really feeling the best I have felt in a very long time, including before my illness began. I had done so many things to heal my body, and grown so much in my faith and trust in God, and was just overall in a really good place. Chiropractor, acupuncture,counseling, massage, many supplements, doctor appointments, and prayers, by the grace of God, worked to my healing and it was amazing. We were so relieved and happy.
And then the leap of faith; opening ourselves up to the possibility of more children.
Two miscarriages in six months came next. My thyroid flared up with the first and then corrected itself after the second.
When your thyroid doesn't do what its supposed to do, it affects your whole body. It's really, really unpleasant, to say the least. People who have never experienced this do not understand. (No, you really don't.) I didn't understand before either.
When my thyroid and food intolerances first started, combined with calorie-burning breastfeeding, I lost a lot of weight. At first, I was glad. But then, suddenly, without trying, I lost 10 pounds in a month, and I knew something was not right. I lost basically all my body fat. My body was starving itself, due to all the food I was eating but not digesting properly and my hyperactive thyroid burning through everything it could.
But do you know what happened? People would actually come up to me and say "Wow, you look great! I wish I had what you have!"
"I wish I had what you have."
What could I do but laugh and say "yeah..."...?
I cannot tell you how completely horrible, how angry, how alone it made me feel when people would say that. "My body is starving itself!!" I wanted to scream. "I could be dying, and you're telling me that you wish I had what I have?!" I will never understand.... And it also bothered me because I have never received more compliments about my body than when I was so sick and skinny. "Is this really what looks good to people now?" I would wonder. "Our society is so messed up, our idea of beauty so skewed, that I look my best when I am literally starving?"
It hurt. It really made me feel like everyone was just jealous of me, and its hard to imagine people feeling compassion for you when they are jealous of you.
But getting back to my original thought, when people ask me now how I'm doing, all of this comes to mind.... The pain and the tears, the depression, the loss; the improvements and answers, the healing and many, many answered prayers.
I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for the means of healing God put into our reach. I am grateful for my amazing body, with a new appreciation for the intricate designs God put in place.
But how do I answer the question? People aren't asking for my life story I know, but it's hard for me to just find a simple answer. I guess "It's complicated," would be the simplest, most honest answer.
I struggle every day. I have many losses and small victories on a daily basis.
Sometimes, when people hear about my diet, they say "Oh, I could never do that!" Inside, I smile and think, "yes, you could if you had to."
When you're twenty-something with a husband and two young children and you are faced with the prospect of feeling the way I was feeling (or worse) for the rest of your life, you would be surprised what you are willing to do to get well.
I was so grateful for my naturopathic doctors and the, really very simple, idea that food can heal.
I am so thankful I listened to my gut and did not take the advice of the first doctor I went to; a medical doctor who only suggested that I take heartburn medication. (The idea is almost laughable to me, except that it was real, and there are probably others who did take his advice who are not getting better.)
I am so blessed to have a husband who was open to a lot of things he maybe wouldn't have been before, things maybe others would laugh at or never believe would be helpful.
So humbled and grateful that God cared enough about me to bring me through this extremely trying but very growing experience. Moves me to tears whenever I think about it. He didn't leave me the way I was, the way that for so long I thought was better....really it was just easier and familiar. Comfortable, but not really compassionate. Like floating on the surface, unware of the depths below.
"I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." (John 10:10)
My life is full....so much to do, so many emotions.... Lots of hard days, but abundant blessings.
"The Lord has done great things for us, and we are glad." (Psalm 126:3)
So, if you ask me how I am doing, I apologize now for the hesitation and jumbled words and shrugs and awkwardness.
"I don't know. It's complicated. But it is better. But I might be having a bad day. But it will be ok."
And, thank you for asking.
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