Flare Up

What does it feel like when I experience a "flare up"?
Its different every time, but generally it affects the same things:
-Sleep
-Skin
-Emotions
-Energy
-Stomach/Digestion
-Head
-Ear
-did I say Emotions already?

When things are "off", I begin to assess the situation, which usually leads to overanalyzing, guilt, depression and exhaustion.
For example: I have a few really good days. I feel well, and happy, and able to cope with things in a positive way. Then, sometimes it comes on slowly, or sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and I feel bad. Groggy, blah, exhausted (didn't I just sleep?), "weird feeling" in my head or headache, ear ringing or aching, tummy just grumpy or bloated or sometimes hurting in very specific spots.
The physical feelings set off the emotions.The questions begin; "why do I feel like this?", "What am I doing wrong?", "What did I eat yesterday?", "Am I too stressed?", "Did I workout too much/too little?"
This usually starts the guilt; "Why am I so bad at this?", "Why did I eat ___ yesterday?" "I should have taken time to workout, or relax or do some deep breathing or guided meditation.." "I should pray more...if I was a better Christian, I wouldn't feel sad like this." "If I could just relax and not stress about things, then my body wouldn't just give out on me." "I eat too much chocolate." "I eat too many eggs." And so on...
Basically, I feel like its ALL my fault.
And I know, logically, it really can't be all my fault. Like my doctor says, "You don't just wake up in the morning and say to yourself 'I'm gonna feel bad today', or 'my stomach won't work right today' or anything like that."
BUT...I still feel an incredible amount of guilt. And I try to pray about it, and just leave it with God, and I don't know what I would do without Him and His promise to be with me and uphold me through it all....but it doesn't make everything just magically better.
God made our bodies to work a certain way, and when things are off, as they often can be in this sinful, broken world, those things have to be fixed before it can get better.
There is so much guilt and depression surrounding the amount of care I have to put into myself now to be feeling my best. Or even good. Finding a balance between self care and time to relax/de-stress and caring for my family and trying to help others is really difficult.
There are friends and family I would like to help out or visit with, church activities I would like to be involved in, classes I would love to attend, and even just day-to-day life with my children and husband and running a household; all these things depend to some degree on how I feel and what I am capable of doing. And when I am not well, everything suffers. This is a huge burden for me...especially when I feel like its all my fault that I'm not well.

I wrote before about the downward-inward spiral; the depressing, guilty place of deep sadness and self loathing that happens when something starts to go wrong again.
I also wrote about the upward-outward spiral; choosing to look outside of myself and see the blessings, praising God, and choosing joy and feeling gratitude.
These two things, emotions...state of mind...whatever you want to call it, are very real. And remembering that and evaluating what going on inside of me is very helpful.
Reading the Bible is also a wonderful tool to improve my mood and outlook.
Lamentations 3:18-26
"And I said, “My strength and my hope
Have perished from the Lord.”

Remember my affliction and roaming,
The wormwood and the gall.
 My soul still remembers
And sinks within me.
 This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

 The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the Lord."

There are so many passages of God's Word that speak directly to my situation and my heart. It is encouraging to me to know that I am not alone in my suffering and that God cares and will give me what I stand in need of to endure the trials of this life.

 I am a work in progress. I need to remember that more than anyone.

I am so grateful for God's tender mercies and care for me. I am grateful for a husband who continues to bear these burdens with me. We were talking yesterday (our 8th anniversary) about how we would still choose each other, and I treasure his love and commitment so much.

I am grateful too for my doctor and midwife. They are so supportive and encouraging to me, understanding and validating and searching for answers with me. Truly a blessing from God.

I'm thankful for caring family, especially my sisters. I know its probably annoying and exhausting sometimes to ask how I'm doing and have to listen to the answer. But they keep asking and caring.

So....now what? You just keep going. Keep trusting. Keep praying.

"But all I can do, is all I can do and I keep on tryin'
And all I can be is all I can be and I keep on tryin'
There's always a mountain in front of me,
Seems I'm always climbin' and fallin' and climbin'
But I keep on tryin'..." -Trace Adkins