*Deep breath*
Ok.
These last few months have been pretty hard.
Hard to stay on top of it all.
So many changes. So many emotions.
I feel such a strong desire for a fresh start...like I want to "clean house"; mentally, emotionally, physically, and my actual house. I want to purge...detox...just take a deep breath and let it all go. Take a long walk and clear my head.
It hasn't all been bad. God is faithful and we have felt that as a family and a couple, and I feel it personally.
When everything else seems to be "going wrong" or turning out different than we want or plan, it is such a comfort to know that God is the same, His promises are the same.
Health comes and goes, sleep comes and goes, friends come and go...nothing is constant, except God and His everlasting love and kindness.
Sometimes we make choices and things turn out way different than we expected.
Like with Millie our dachshund puppy. We had to say goodbye to her. It was just too much for me to train her on top of taking care of my family and myself.
Brian and I both feel like it was the hardest decision we've ever had to make. We all loved her and she was such a good dog. But she was also a puppy that needed alot of time and attention and what it was taking out of me was time energy I ultimately need to spend on my children first of all, as well as my own health and wellness support.
If I wasn't homeschooling a 7 and a 6 year old, one of whom, at least, would be classified as "a strong willed child", and if I didnt have to follow a special diet that requires alot of work to follow, and of my body was stable enough to handle the added stress without it causing a major flare up, then it probably would have worked out beautifully.
But I am doing, or working through, all those things.
I wanted to train our puppy right, but reading through the training manuals for dogs sure sounded alot like what I needed to do with my own kids, and I just couldn't make that sacrifice. It wouldn't be fair in a year for us to have a well trained dog and wild children, or a half trained dog and semi trained kids, or for my kids to have to see their mama crying all the time due to stress and lack of sleep.
Believe me, I tried my heart out. I never ever thought that we would have to find a new home for our puppy. So many tears and prayers and pushing through it and it still wasn't working. People told us "oh it will get better", but the reality was that even if we could trust Millie out of our sight for a little while eventually, she would still need to be let out to go potty and we would still have to plan our schedule around her somewhat, and it felt like I could never turn off the "puppy area" in my brain. Like I was constantly multi-tasking, even when it was time to sleep. Like having a newborn with no diaper on and no one to just hold it for a little while and take over so you can rest.
It broke my heart though. To think I was the one who had pursued this puppy and said yes when I felt in my gut I should say no. I ignored that gut feeling. I pushed it down and said "You can do this. It will be hard, but it will be worth it for the joy it will bring. Do it for your kids."
Mamas always want the best for their kids and for all their dreams to come true, even if that means great sacrifice on our own part.
And I get tired of spending time and energy on myself. Its exhausting. I wish that all my health issues would just disappear if I visualized them floating away like balloons into the sky. I wish I could ignore them and tell my brain "stop making a big deal out of nothing." I wish I could fall asleep in two minutes like Brian does. But it doesn't work like that. Sometimes there are physical realities that just can't be pushed aside.
Sometimes, no matter how much you pray, God says "no" or "not right now" and you have to trust that things are still working out for your good, even when it hurts.
I said in my last post about Millie that this puppy was just another part of my sanctification. And in my last post I meant that I was learning to do hard things. So since we got rid of her does that mean this was not part of my sanctification after all? Or I cut it short?
No.
Making that final decision to find her a new home was so much harder than training her. But sometimes we have to let go of something good to allow what's better. Raising an indoor dog with two kids was not sustainable for us. Snuggles and licks can't make up for short tempers and exhaustion and crying, especially for the long term.
We had been telling ourselves "Sure we will be tied down more, but it's only for what, ten years or so. It's not permanent." But then I realized that the next ten years are all we have to raise our kids. Sophie will be almost 18 in ten years, and Nathaniel will be 16. We want to give them our best. They were our first commitment and we can't let them down. We want to experience life with them and go on adventures and homeschooling is a big job. Add on cleaning house, cooking gluten free plus for my special diet, running errands, paperwork, and it equals alot to do in a day.
I just felt like I was only able to give things half of my attention when we had Millie. It made my brain hurt, it made me upset and it messed up my sleep. It just wasn't worth having a dog if I was going to be emotional and unwell and unable to care for my family.
And it wasn't everything the kids thought it would be either. Millie was nippy with them because they would play crazy with her so they could only really play and hold her if they were supervised, and Sophie really wanted her to sleep upstairs in her bed but that was a No, and no one liked taking her out to go potty...
So, I found Millie a new home. After talking to several people, a lady messaged me online and I knew right away that she would be the perfect fit for Millie. She "has two other girls (dachshunds) who she treats like her children", and she's had one for over ten years so we knew she knew what she was doing and no kids to divide her attention from helping Millie reach her full potential. Which was important to us because she is such a great dog.
Saying goodbye was hard. The kids both broke down crying as soon as Millie left for her new home. So we hugged them and I made a blanket nest in the living room and we snuggled up and ate ice cream and popcorn and watched a movie together. And when we tucked them in to bed afterward, Nathaniel said it was his " best worst day ever."
Sophie was sad but she also said she loved the snuggling and treats and she really hasn't made a huge deal out of it since, though she does mention Millie sometimes.
Brian and I both took it harder than the kids in some ways I think. I had a hard day last week after I spent the whole night before dreaming about Millie and it was so upsetting.
Like any grief, the sadness comes in waves.
But this past week, we were able to do alot more school work than we had been able to when Millie was here, and we visited with friends and went to a park to meet a homeschool group and went to Rocket Donuts and a toy store and the thrift store and the library, and on Saturday we went for a long hike around a lake and the kids played on the playground, and it is so nice to be able to just do things again. Sophie told me a couple weeks after we for Millie that she was "store-sick...like homesick but for stores." And now that the weather has changed and we have a bone-chilling winter wind blowing through, she often says "I'm so glad I dont have to take Millie out right now." (Me too)
Still, I really wish it had worked out. Millie was such a sweetie and Brian and I both felt like we didnt know dogs could be like that...she just had a great personality. But I know she is happy with her little doggie friends enjoying her wonderful new home, and the lady that took her home was just thrilled with her.
Even with all the pain in the decisions and the sadness that followed, I do not regret the decision. I feel so much better even after a week of living puppy free. In fact, as soon as we made the actual decision, I felt instantly better and it was like, "I can do this for a few more days" and so the last few days we had Millie were actually really nice. So nice Brian wondered if we had turned a corner and we should actually keep her. But no, I knew in my heart that she had to go. No more back and forth.
So...if you were wondering how things were going with that adorable puppy I write about before, now you know. She's great, we're good, and things are back to normal.
We do miss her sometimes though...
Ok.
These last few months have been pretty hard.
Hard to stay on top of it all.
So many changes. So many emotions.
I feel such a strong desire for a fresh start...like I want to "clean house"; mentally, emotionally, physically, and my actual house. I want to purge...detox...just take a deep breath and let it all go. Take a long walk and clear my head.
It hasn't all been bad. God is faithful and we have felt that as a family and a couple, and I feel it personally.
When everything else seems to be "going wrong" or turning out different than we want or plan, it is such a comfort to know that God is the same, His promises are the same.
Health comes and goes, sleep comes and goes, friends come and go...nothing is constant, except God and His everlasting love and kindness.
Sometimes we make choices and things turn out way different than we expected.
Like with Millie our dachshund puppy. We had to say goodbye to her. It was just too much for me to train her on top of taking care of my family and myself.
Brian and I both feel like it was the hardest decision we've ever had to make. We all loved her and she was such a good dog. But she was also a puppy that needed alot of time and attention and what it was taking out of me was time energy I ultimately need to spend on my children first of all, as well as my own health and wellness support.
If I wasn't homeschooling a 7 and a 6 year old, one of whom, at least, would be classified as "a strong willed child", and if I didnt have to follow a special diet that requires alot of work to follow, and of my body was stable enough to handle the added stress without it causing a major flare up, then it probably would have worked out beautifully.
But I am doing, or working through, all those things.
I wanted to train our puppy right, but reading through the training manuals for dogs sure sounded alot like what I needed to do with my own kids, and I just couldn't make that sacrifice. It wouldn't be fair in a year for us to have a well trained dog and wild children, or a half trained dog and semi trained kids, or for my kids to have to see their mama crying all the time due to stress and lack of sleep.
Believe me, I tried my heart out. I never ever thought that we would have to find a new home for our puppy. So many tears and prayers and pushing through it and it still wasn't working. People told us "oh it will get better", but the reality was that even if we could trust Millie out of our sight for a little while eventually, she would still need to be let out to go potty and we would still have to plan our schedule around her somewhat, and it felt like I could never turn off the "puppy area" in my brain. Like I was constantly multi-tasking, even when it was time to sleep. Like having a newborn with no diaper on and no one to just hold it for a little while and take over so you can rest.
It broke my heart though. To think I was the one who had pursued this puppy and said yes when I felt in my gut I should say no. I ignored that gut feeling. I pushed it down and said "You can do this. It will be hard, but it will be worth it for the joy it will bring. Do it for your kids."
Mamas always want the best for their kids and for all their dreams to come true, even if that means great sacrifice on our own part.
And I get tired of spending time and energy on myself. Its exhausting. I wish that all my health issues would just disappear if I visualized them floating away like balloons into the sky. I wish I could ignore them and tell my brain "stop making a big deal out of nothing." I wish I could fall asleep in two minutes like Brian does. But it doesn't work like that. Sometimes there are physical realities that just can't be pushed aside.
Sometimes, no matter how much you pray, God says "no" or "not right now" and you have to trust that things are still working out for your good, even when it hurts.
I said in my last post about Millie that this puppy was just another part of my sanctification. And in my last post I meant that I was learning to do hard things. So since we got rid of her does that mean this was not part of my sanctification after all? Or I cut it short?
No.
Making that final decision to find her a new home was so much harder than training her. But sometimes we have to let go of something good to allow what's better. Raising an indoor dog with two kids was not sustainable for us. Snuggles and licks can't make up for short tempers and exhaustion and crying, especially for the long term.
We had been telling ourselves "Sure we will be tied down more, but it's only for what, ten years or so. It's not permanent." But then I realized that the next ten years are all we have to raise our kids. Sophie will be almost 18 in ten years, and Nathaniel will be 16. We want to give them our best. They were our first commitment and we can't let them down. We want to experience life with them and go on adventures and homeschooling is a big job. Add on cleaning house, cooking gluten free plus for my special diet, running errands, paperwork, and it equals alot to do in a day.
I just felt like I was only able to give things half of my attention when we had Millie. It made my brain hurt, it made me upset and it messed up my sleep. It just wasn't worth having a dog if I was going to be emotional and unwell and unable to care for my family.
And it wasn't everything the kids thought it would be either. Millie was nippy with them because they would play crazy with her so they could only really play and hold her if they were supervised, and Sophie really wanted her to sleep upstairs in her bed but that was a No, and no one liked taking her out to go potty...
So, I found Millie a new home. After talking to several people, a lady messaged me online and I knew right away that she would be the perfect fit for Millie. She "has two other girls (dachshunds) who she treats like her children", and she's had one for over ten years so we knew she knew what she was doing and no kids to divide her attention from helping Millie reach her full potential. Which was important to us because she is such a great dog.
Saying goodbye was hard. The kids both broke down crying as soon as Millie left for her new home. So we hugged them and I made a blanket nest in the living room and we snuggled up and ate ice cream and popcorn and watched a movie together. And when we tucked them in to bed afterward, Nathaniel said it was his " best worst day ever."
Sophie was sad but she also said she loved the snuggling and treats and she really hasn't made a huge deal out of it since, though she does mention Millie sometimes.
Brian and I both took it harder than the kids in some ways I think. I had a hard day last week after I spent the whole night before dreaming about Millie and it was so upsetting.
Like any grief, the sadness comes in waves.
But this past week, we were able to do alot more school work than we had been able to when Millie was here, and we visited with friends and went to a park to meet a homeschool group and went to Rocket Donuts and a toy store and the thrift store and the library, and on Saturday we went for a long hike around a lake and the kids played on the playground, and it is so nice to be able to just do things again. Sophie told me a couple weeks after we for Millie that she was "store-sick...like homesick but for stores." And now that the weather has changed and we have a bone-chilling winter wind blowing through, she often says "I'm so glad I dont have to take Millie out right now." (Me too)
Still, I really wish it had worked out. Millie was such a sweetie and Brian and I both felt like we didnt know dogs could be like that...she just had a great personality. But I know she is happy with her little doggie friends enjoying her wonderful new home, and the lady that took her home was just thrilled with her.
Even with all the pain in the decisions and the sadness that followed, I do not regret the decision. I feel so much better even after a week of living puppy free. In fact, as soon as we made the actual decision, I felt instantly better and it was like, "I can do this for a few more days" and so the last few days we had Millie were actually really nice. So nice Brian wondered if we had turned a corner and we should actually keep her. But no, I knew in my heart that she had to go. No more back and forth.
So...if you were wondering how things were going with that adorable puppy I write about before, now you know. She's great, we're good, and things are back to normal.
We do miss her sometimes though...
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