Sometimes I just crash.
Sometimes, even though I know better, I forget or neglect to take care of myself. My health issues require me to pay extra attention to what I eat and to finding a good balance between rest, exercise and stress. Its hard to do when you have young children who require a lot of attention, and very hard not to feel guilty when you say "I'm important too."
Sometimes, I think that I can do everything perfectly. I try to be everything for everyone. And then when I fail to do this impossible task, I am upset...with myself, and sometimes with everyone else.
Sometimes, my body just physically cant take anymore stress and I feel like I cant move...cant feel...like there is a mute button on life and I just want to lay in bed and rest until I can function again.
Sometimes, even though I think I've been trying everything and it isn't working, I take a step back and realize that I'm not doing everything to fully support myself being the best that I can be. Things like vacation, visitors, the "normal, everyday" challenges of a mother of young children, staying up too late too many nights (weeks) in a row, slowly slacking off in my diligence regarding my diet....all of it adds up. And then, I crash. And it isn't pretty.
When will I learn? When will I learn that I CAN'T DO IT ALL? When will I learn to stop trying to please everyone and organize everything?
When will I learn that when things don't go as planned, I am not a failure? I expect impossible things of myself; perhaps of others too sometimes, but mostly myself.
And then when I don't meet my own impossible standards, I feel like a failure. And not just "oh I didn't reach my goal and I'm upset about it" kind of failure. I mean "absolutely, devastating, how could anyone love me" kind of failure. Failure as a person, on every level.
I set myself up for failure. And then I do fail. And, logically, if a person with perfectionistic tendencies sets themselves up for failure, its going to be epic. And it is.
I wish that I could just be strong, forever, for everyone, always. But I can't. I know this. But still I try...
The message of hope found in the Bible is the most wonderful thing I have ever heard. The Bible is where I learned that I can't do it all. The Bible also tells me that I don't have to do it all. Amazing! Free to try, but relieved of my burden of imperfection, I should be able to serve excellently.
And yet, I forget so quickly that it is "Christ in me" that makes it possible for me to do anything. I take it on myself, my sinful, broken self, and then I am crushed by my disappointment and frustration at my lack of ability to accomplish what I have told myself I should be able to do.
I need to stop. I need to remember that God knew me before He formed this earth and He put me here, now, with my talents and gifts, with my husband and children and family and friends and neighbors, and my hopes and my struggles and everything else that makes me me, and that He has all of this under control. I need to remember that I am weak and broken and imperfect. He does, after all.
He knows I'm not perfect, and 2 Corinthians 5:15 says, "He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again." And John10:10, one my favorite verses says, "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."
He doesn't want me to do it myself. He did it for me. I need only to let go of myself and my impossible standards and cling to Him.
The message of this world is: You are the answer, you hold the keys to your own happiness and wellbeing, you can be whatever you want, you are the ultimate truth, and it is up to you alone to achieve your goals. You are alone, ultimately, and everything is your responsibility. Talk about setting ourselves up for failure.
Romans 12 says "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Now, when I hear be "holy and acceptable to God" I get a little nervous. Seems like the same impossible standards here too right? But here is the good news:
"As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (Psalm 103)
He remembers that we are dust. Even though I forget, He remembers. His grace and love are never ending. He keeps bringing me back. I am precious to Him. It is good for me to recognize that I am a failure when left to myself. I am nothing without Him. Amazing to think that through Jesus, His requirements for me to receive grace are less than the requirements I set for myself. He does not ask the impossible of me, through Jesus. Only to believe that I am nothing without Him and make Him my "all in all". Nothing impossible to achieve, since He also promised to send His Spirit to complete the good work He has begun. (Phillipians 1:6)
Sometimes, God reminds us of our need for a Saviour by allowing us to try to accomplish everything by ourselves. When we see how much we need Him, it brings honor and glory to His name. And then He draws us gently back to Himself and reminds us that He died for us, and that He loves us with an "everlasting love".
Sometimes, when I am broken, discouraged, and ready to give up, I am in the best place to see and feel God's love and grace in my heart and life. And I am grateful.
"Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
.......
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
......
For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him.
For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust." -from Psalm 103
Sometimes, even though I know better, I forget or neglect to take care of myself. My health issues require me to pay extra attention to what I eat and to finding a good balance between rest, exercise and stress. Its hard to do when you have young children who require a lot of attention, and very hard not to feel guilty when you say "I'm important too."
Sometimes, I think that I can do everything perfectly. I try to be everything for everyone. And then when I fail to do this impossible task, I am upset...with myself, and sometimes with everyone else.
Sometimes, my body just physically cant take anymore stress and I feel like I cant move...cant feel...like there is a mute button on life and I just want to lay in bed and rest until I can function again.
Sometimes, even though I think I've been trying everything and it isn't working, I take a step back and realize that I'm not doing everything to fully support myself being the best that I can be. Things like vacation, visitors, the "normal, everyday" challenges of a mother of young children, staying up too late too many nights (weeks) in a row, slowly slacking off in my diligence regarding my diet....all of it adds up. And then, I crash. And it isn't pretty.
When will I learn? When will I learn that I CAN'T DO IT ALL? When will I learn to stop trying to please everyone and organize everything?
When will I learn that when things don't go as planned, I am not a failure? I expect impossible things of myself; perhaps of others too sometimes, but mostly myself.
And then when I don't meet my own impossible standards, I feel like a failure. And not just "oh I didn't reach my goal and I'm upset about it" kind of failure. I mean "absolutely, devastating, how could anyone love me" kind of failure. Failure as a person, on every level.
I set myself up for failure. And then I do fail. And, logically, if a person with perfectionistic tendencies sets themselves up for failure, its going to be epic. And it is.
I wish that I could just be strong, forever, for everyone, always. But I can't. I know this. But still I try...
The message of hope found in the Bible is the most wonderful thing I have ever heard. The Bible is where I learned that I can't do it all. The Bible also tells me that I don't have to do it all. Amazing! Free to try, but relieved of my burden of imperfection, I should be able to serve excellently.
And yet, I forget so quickly that it is "Christ in me" that makes it possible for me to do anything. I take it on myself, my sinful, broken self, and then I am crushed by my disappointment and frustration at my lack of ability to accomplish what I have told myself I should be able to do.
I need to stop. I need to remember that God knew me before He formed this earth and He put me here, now, with my talents and gifts, with my husband and children and family and friends and neighbors, and my hopes and my struggles and everything else that makes me me, and that He has all of this under control. I need to remember that I am weak and broken and imperfect. He does, after all.
He knows I'm not perfect, and 2 Corinthians 5:15 says, "He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again." And John10:10, one my favorite verses says, "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."
He doesn't want me to do it myself. He did it for me. I need only to let go of myself and my impossible standards and cling to Him.
The message of this world is: You are the answer, you hold the keys to your own happiness and wellbeing, you can be whatever you want, you are the ultimate truth, and it is up to you alone to achieve your goals. You are alone, ultimately, and everything is your responsibility. Talk about setting ourselves up for failure.
Romans 12 says "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Now, when I hear be "holy and acceptable to God" I get a little nervous. Seems like the same impossible standards here too right? But here is the good news:
"As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (Psalm 103)
He remembers that we are dust. Even though I forget, He remembers. His grace and love are never ending. He keeps bringing me back. I am precious to Him. It is good for me to recognize that I am a failure when left to myself. I am nothing without Him. Amazing to think that through Jesus, His requirements for me to receive grace are less than the requirements I set for myself. He does not ask the impossible of me, through Jesus. Only to believe that I am nothing without Him and make Him my "all in all". Nothing impossible to achieve, since He also promised to send His Spirit to complete the good work He has begun. (Phillipians 1:6)
Sometimes, God reminds us of our need for a Saviour by allowing us to try to accomplish everything by ourselves. When we see how much we need Him, it brings honor and glory to His name. And then He draws us gently back to Himself and reminds us that He died for us, and that He loves us with an "everlasting love".
Sometimes, when I am broken, discouraged, and ready to give up, I am in the best place to see and feel God's love and grace in my heart and life. And I am grateful.
"Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
.......
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
......
For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him.
For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust." -from Psalm 103
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