10-13-15
02-06-16
Two dates...
Two miscarriages in six months.
The first one came after almost three years of health issues following the birth of my second child; my son, who is now three and a half years old. My daughter is five and a half years old.
I had been feeling better, great actually. I thought I was ready....my doctor and midwife thought I was ready. That there had been enough healing for us to consider it safe to open ourselves up to the possibility of another baby.
We were blessed with our first two children very quickly, so I was not surprised when after only four weeks of getting the "Ok", I found myself holding a positive pregnancy test. I felt joy...relief...and then..."I am holding you". I heard the words in my heart, and it unsettled me. Why would God tell me that right now, at this very moment?....I do not believe that God "talks" people in a personal revelation kind of way, but I do know that He calms my heart, that He gives me strength and courage and He convicts me of sin. And I felt that He was saying this to me too, to remind me. And it scared me.
I am pretty self aware, so I usually "know" I am pregnant even before a positive test confirms it. So when I lost the baby at seven and a half weeks, I felt like I had known about this baby for five weeks already.
Five weeks to think and say "I love you", five weeks to plan....five weeks to wonder...five weeks to hope...
I was surprised when the miscarriage started. It started slowly, which made it confusing and let us hold out hope a little longer... But I wasn't totally shocked. I knew in my heart why God had reminded me He was holding me. I had also had five weeks to contemplate why, at that particular moment, I had felt those words in my heart...and I knew...I knew that this was part of The Plan.
That was a hard week...maybe the hardest week I have gone through. It was actually eight full days before it was over. Most of my time was spent laying on the couch or in bed, with tears running down my face. It was hard for me to let my family see that...I always worry and feel guilty about the way that my own struggles will affect my children. Calling to cancel the ultrasound was terrible....I had made the appointment less than a week prior.
My doctor and midwife told me, as I already knew, that one in four pregnancies (possibly one in three, even) ends in miscarriage. They told me there was no medical reason to expect it to happen again, and it would most likely be fine next time. Obviously they couldn't guarantee it, but statistically that was how things usually went. So after we waited for all the bloodwork to "go back to normal", we were given the "Ok" again.
I WAS surprised this time to find myself holding a positive pregnancy test just six weeks later.
It had been a crazy month, including my husband being in a car crash that totaled his truck and the other driver's vehicle as well. (He was not at fault, and not extremely injured, thankfully)
I felt.....different. Pregnancy always makes a mother worry about every little thing anyway, and this time...I just felt like I didn't know if it was real. Every other time, I had expected it. But I tried to be "cautiously optimistic" as my doctor put it, and I was grateful that it had happened so fast. It helped to ease the disappointment somewhat, having something new to look forward to.
I made another ultrasound appointment. I told my husband I didn't think I could cancel it again, he would have to if it came to that...
Two weeks later, I started bleeding again. And I was surprised...it caught me off guard. I was doing my best to be positive, to hope for the best. I just wasn't expecting it like I felt I maybe did the first time. This one was slow as well. My miscarriages were not what you usually see or hear about. There was no drama, no hospital, no extreme pain. Probably partly because they were early. And I am grateful that no interventions were needed. But for it to be so...calm was also strange. It felt huge to me emotionally, and here was my body, just going along with it, as if it were normal. I didn't spend the whole week on the couch this time. This time, the emotions felt stuck....I couldn't just "get it all out". I think it was partly because with my first miscarriage, I actually saw the baby, and with the second one I didn't, so I didn't get that closure. And the bloodwork numbers didn't drop drastically as they usually do, so my doctor and midwife couldn't give a definite answer for a couple days. So I was stuck...waiting...unsure of how to feel. Uncertain of what to pray for...what to think. My husband wanted to let people know what was going on, but how could I when I didn't even know for certain myself? And so the emotions have taken much longer to surface this time.
I never really fully understood the term "trigger warning", but I do now.
I really never understood how deeply you could hurt for someone you had never met, or even known about for such a short time.
I didn't know that it doesn't matter if you already have children or if you have more children after, the hurting is there...it is what it is. Its not about just wanting another baby, its about loss....something you can never have back. Someone you will never hear, or hold, or kiss. Something irreplaceable.
With any loss, it takes time to heal. I am surprised at the emotions I still feel. I am not depressed or "baby crazy" or angry or even guilty. I am sad.
Not "overwhelming, stuck in it forever, nothing to look forward to or live for" kind of sadness, although my emotions do overwhelm me sometimes.
But deep sadness...
And it comes and goes....I think that's why it overwhelms me sometimes...I think that I am doing good and then suddenly, the sadness is back. Baby clothes, baby pictures, baby bellies, due dates, baby showers, baby snuggles,calendars....they all can bring it back.
And its hard for me. Its hard because I truly never want to make another mother who is healthy and joyful feel bad. I can "rejoice with those who rejoice!".....But its harder to let others know that your heart is sad when it feels like you will steal their joy by sharing.
Its hard to explain exactly how this has changed me, but I know it is for the better. I am more considerate of others now, more sensitive, more aware that others may also have secret struggles and burdens they bear. I have also had to let others in and make myself more vulnerable....something that is hard for me sometimes. I am the oldest of twelve children, so I am used to being in control of things and being strong. But I cannot always be strong. I am so thankful for my amazing husband... God so clearly made him for ME. And yet, even he does not understand or feel what I am feeling through all this. His primary concern was for my well being, he experienced it from a different angle. Sometimes its been hard for me to understand that. I know though that he didn't physically go through it like I did, and I can appreciate his concern for me. This has brought us closer for sure, to each other and to God.
God really is holding me. I know it, I feel it, I believe it. And I am grateful.
"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them." Psalm 139:16
02-06-16
Two dates...
Two miscarriages in six months.
The first one came after almost three years of health issues following the birth of my second child; my son, who is now three and a half years old. My daughter is five and a half years old.
I had been feeling better, great actually. I thought I was ready....my doctor and midwife thought I was ready. That there had been enough healing for us to consider it safe to open ourselves up to the possibility of another baby.
We were blessed with our first two children very quickly, so I was not surprised when after only four weeks of getting the "Ok", I found myself holding a positive pregnancy test. I felt joy...relief...and then..."I am holding you". I heard the words in my heart, and it unsettled me. Why would God tell me that right now, at this very moment?....I do not believe that God "talks" people in a personal revelation kind of way, but I do know that He calms my heart, that He gives me strength and courage and He convicts me of sin. And I felt that He was saying this to me too, to remind me. And it scared me.
I am pretty self aware, so I usually "know" I am pregnant even before a positive test confirms it. So when I lost the baby at seven and a half weeks, I felt like I had known about this baby for five weeks already.
Five weeks to think and say "I love you", five weeks to plan....five weeks to wonder...five weeks to hope...
I was surprised when the miscarriage started. It started slowly, which made it confusing and let us hold out hope a little longer... But I wasn't totally shocked. I knew in my heart why God had reminded me He was holding me. I had also had five weeks to contemplate why, at that particular moment, I had felt those words in my heart...and I knew...I knew that this was part of The Plan.
That was a hard week...maybe the hardest week I have gone through. It was actually eight full days before it was over. Most of my time was spent laying on the couch or in bed, with tears running down my face. It was hard for me to let my family see that...I always worry and feel guilty about the way that my own struggles will affect my children. Calling to cancel the ultrasound was terrible....I had made the appointment less than a week prior.
My doctor and midwife told me, as I already knew, that one in four pregnancies (possibly one in three, even) ends in miscarriage. They told me there was no medical reason to expect it to happen again, and it would most likely be fine next time. Obviously they couldn't guarantee it, but statistically that was how things usually went. So after we waited for all the bloodwork to "go back to normal", we were given the "Ok" again.
I WAS surprised this time to find myself holding a positive pregnancy test just six weeks later.
It had been a crazy month, including my husband being in a car crash that totaled his truck and the other driver's vehicle as well. (He was not at fault, and not extremely injured, thankfully)
I felt.....different. Pregnancy always makes a mother worry about every little thing anyway, and this time...I just felt like I didn't know if it was real. Every other time, I had expected it. But I tried to be "cautiously optimistic" as my doctor put it, and I was grateful that it had happened so fast. It helped to ease the disappointment somewhat, having something new to look forward to.
I made another ultrasound appointment. I told my husband I didn't think I could cancel it again, he would have to if it came to that...
Two weeks later, I started bleeding again. And I was surprised...it caught me off guard. I was doing my best to be positive, to hope for the best. I just wasn't expecting it like I felt I maybe did the first time. This one was slow as well. My miscarriages were not what you usually see or hear about. There was no drama, no hospital, no extreme pain. Probably partly because they were early. And I am grateful that no interventions were needed. But for it to be so...calm was also strange. It felt huge to me emotionally, and here was my body, just going along with it, as if it were normal. I didn't spend the whole week on the couch this time. This time, the emotions felt stuck....I couldn't just "get it all out". I think it was partly because with my first miscarriage, I actually saw the baby, and with the second one I didn't, so I didn't get that closure. And the bloodwork numbers didn't drop drastically as they usually do, so my doctor and midwife couldn't give a definite answer for a couple days. So I was stuck...waiting...unsure of how to feel. Uncertain of what to pray for...what to think. My husband wanted to let people know what was going on, but how could I when I didn't even know for certain myself? And so the emotions have taken much longer to surface this time.
I never really fully understood the term "trigger warning", but I do now.
I really never understood how deeply you could hurt for someone you had never met, or even known about for such a short time.
I didn't know that it doesn't matter if you already have children or if you have more children after, the hurting is there...it is what it is. Its not about just wanting another baby, its about loss....something you can never have back. Someone you will never hear, or hold, or kiss. Something irreplaceable.
With any loss, it takes time to heal. I am surprised at the emotions I still feel. I am not depressed or "baby crazy" or angry or even guilty. I am sad.
Not "overwhelming, stuck in it forever, nothing to look forward to or live for" kind of sadness, although my emotions do overwhelm me sometimes.
But deep sadness...
And it comes and goes....I think that's why it overwhelms me sometimes...I think that I am doing good and then suddenly, the sadness is back. Baby clothes, baby pictures, baby bellies, due dates, baby showers, baby snuggles,calendars....they all can bring it back.
And its hard for me. Its hard because I truly never want to make another mother who is healthy and joyful feel bad. I can "rejoice with those who rejoice!".....But its harder to let others know that your heart is sad when it feels like you will steal their joy by sharing.
Its hard to explain exactly how this has changed me, but I know it is for the better. I am more considerate of others now, more sensitive, more aware that others may also have secret struggles and burdens they bear. I have also had to let others in and make myself more vulnerable....something that is hard for me sometimes. I am the oldest of twelve children, so I am used to being in control of things and being strong. But I cannot always be strong. I am so thankful for my amazing husband... God so clearly made him for ME. And yet, even he does not understand or feel what I am feeling through all this. His primary concern was for my well being, he experienced it from a different angle. Sometimes its been hard for me to understand that. I know though that he didn't physically go through it like I did, and I can appreciate his concern for me. This has brought us closer for sure, to each other and to God.
God really is holding me. I know it, I feel it, I believe it. And I am grateful.
"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them." Psalm 139:16
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